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<title>50 Things to Not Call a Vagina when Writing Smut (and more) by ReverendKilljoy</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24292291">50 Things to Not Call a Vagina when Writing Smut (and more)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReverendKilljoy/pseuds/ReverendKilljoy'>ReverendKilljoy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Euphemisms, Lists, Writers' Toolbox</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:14:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>507</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24292291</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReverendKilljoy/pseuds/ReverendKilljoy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Was asked by my esteemed colleague how to not, when writing smut in colloquial English, use medically accurate terms for various body parts, especially for—and between—female characters.</p><p>Based on the Totally Realistic Universe AU, here are my 50 responses.<br/>[Note that some of these really only make sense in context of the AU.]</p><p>Also note that I did not actually answer the question about what euphemism might actually suit the story.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Totally Realistic Universe</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>50 Things to Not Call a Vagina when Writing Smut (and more)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaskeHD/gifts">WaskeHD</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Comparatively Wholesome writing partner: "Hey, I need a word for vagina for this smut scene, but I hate using that word. What word should I use?" [paraphrased]</p><p>[My reply, with no introduction nor warning] Euphemisms for vagina in Harry Potter fan fiction:<br/>
<br/>
1. Vag - no</p><p> </p><p>2. Vajayjay - hard no</p><p> </p><p>3. Box - so rarely</p><p> </p><p>4. Nether regions- ugh</p><p> </p><p>5. Lady business -only as a joke</p><p> </p><p>6. Lady V - not even as a joke</p><p> </p><p>7. Hoo-haw -Molly Weasley would say this</p><p> </p><p>8. Cha-cha- Tonks would say this if teasing another girl</p><p> </p><p>9. Lady bits -Ron or Harry might say this to each other</p><p> </p><p>10. Crotch- non-sexual</p><p> </p><p>11. Muff- affectionate</p><p> </p><p>12. Kitty- playful</p><p> </p><p>13. Cooch- dirty talk in throws of passion</p><p> </p><p>14. Cooter- Amelia Bones, if teasing</p><p> </p><p>15. Snatch- only in their own head if feeling filthy</p><p> </p><p>16. Snapper- nope</p><p> </p><p>17. Beaver- HARD nope</p><p> </p><p>18. Cookie- Hermione, in her head, MAYBE*</p><p> </p><p>19. Cupcake -the fuck?</p><p> </p><p>20. Coin purse- Neville's gran trying to have "The Talk"</p><p> </p><p>21. Lady flower- Luna Lovegood</p><p> </p><p>22. Honey pot- Neville Longbottom</p><p> </p><p>23. Poon- Draco Malfoy</p><p> </p><p>24. Punani- Parvati Patil</p><p> </p><p>25. Twat- Crabbe</p><p> </p><p>26. Gash- Goyle</p><p> </p><p>27. Banana basket- Hagrid, while blushing like a tomato</p><p> </p><p>28. Flowerpot -Prof. Sprout</p><p> </p><p>29. Fine china- Delores Umbridge</p><p> </p><p>30. Juice box- The Creevey brothers</p><p> </p><p>31. Pink panther- Katie Bell teasing Angelina</p><p> </p><p>32. Hot pocket- Fred Weasley teasing George</p><p> </p><p>33. Bikini Bizkit- George Weasley teasing Fred</p><p> </p><p>34. Penis fly trap -Seamus Finnigan</p><p> </p><p>35. Vertical smile- Lee Jordan when drunk</p><p> </p><p>36. Dew flaps- Lee Jordan when hungover</p><p> </p><p>37. Flaming lips- Pomfrey when discussing Dragon Pox Simplex 2</p><p> </p><p>38. Puff pillow- no one on God's Good Earth</p><p> </p><p>39. Notorious V.A.G.- Lavender Brown, of herself</p><p> </p><p>40. Furburger- Percy Weasley, disgustedly</p><p> </p><p>41. Bearded clam- Mundungus Fletcher, drunkenly</p><p> </p><p>42. Sausage wallet - Alastor "Mad-Dog" Moody, warningly. <em>Constant vigilance!</em></p><p> </p><p>43. Panty hamster- Stan Shunpike</p><p> </p><p>44. Meat curtains- Daphne Greengrass, as an insult to another witch</p><p> </p><p>45. The Old Penis Garage - Arthur Weasley, playfully to Molly Weasley</p><p> </p><p>46 Tastytaco- Ginny Weasley, of Susan Bones, in her dreams</p><p> </p><p>47. Ax wound- Viktor Krum</p><p> </p><p>48. Harry Potter's Personal Penis Snuggie, Sir - Dobby the House-elf</p><p> </p><p>49. Pussy- girls during locker-room talk, ruefully, as in: "I think Viktor Krum wrecked my freaking pussy"</p><p> </p><p>50. Cunt (previously discussed)**</p><p> </p><p>*see<em> Harry Potter and the Realistic Events of the Order of the Phoenix</em> for disambiguation of 11/16 Hermione as a character...</p><p>** A reference to a previous exchange regarding the vast difference in this term's acceptability between American English speakers and other native English speakers, esp. Australians.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>BONUS! (by character)</strong> </span>
</p><p>Tom Riddle- She Who Must Not Be Named</p><p>Severus Snape- The Potion Store</p><p>Madam Hooch- The Broom Cupboard</p><p>Professor Flitwick- The Room of Requirement</p><p>Minerva McGonagall- The Sorting Hat</p><p>Sirius Black- Honeydukes' Front Room (see also, Honeydukes' Back Room, on a different list...)</p><p>Remus Lupin- The Chest of Boggarts</p><p>James Potter- Godric's Hollow</p><p>Lily Evans Potter- The Department of Mysteries</p><p>Kreacher- Bloodtraitor's Filthy Mugglehole</p><p>Argus Filch- 'ello Mrs. Norris!</p><p>Fleur Delacour- mon chaton doré</p><p>Gabrielle Delacour- mon doux minou</p><p>Albus Dumbledore- <em>*declined to respond*</em></p><p> </p>
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